Ever since I was young, I am always drawn to people with all sorts of problems. People come to me for help, advice and even compassionate scolding. Growing up I have become a shoulder to cry all--a comfort sort to the aching hearts and mind of my friends. I welcome all of them willingly, embraced them, even love them openly. This I have come to accept as a gift.
At a young age I learned that being able to give is always better than receiving. That self sacrifice for the good of others is the noblest act of love. After all, we have no less than Christ as our role model.
It has, however, come to a point where loneliness gets the better of me. The giving of emotional comfort without enough reservoir of your own to shield you from personal misfortunes can really take its toll. This and the cynicism that grips the heart of most people.
We have become so cynical that the essence of kindness and giving are lost to us. So cynical that we even forget how beautiful originally all of us are inside. We have devalued our own worth that we often raised a skeptical eyebrows when we were being given.
In these days, an act of kindness is often viewed as a means to an end. If you give, people would view it as either you want to impress others or that you just wanted to buy your way in. I should know, someone told me in no uncertain terms, just that. It hurts. It especially hurt because I have chosen this person to be my mentor. After that, I'm back at keeping my own counsel.
Somehow it would never occur to them--oftentimes, not even the very recipient of the act--that the one who gives, honestly believe that this person deserves a little ray of sunlight even for just a moment. Personally, I give because other people's smile and laughter enriches me more in as much as their aches pain me. If at some point I have said, "Why are you hurting me like this when all I did was love you with all that I am?" Am I not entitled to express such pain, when I am truly hurt? Does saying that, makes the giving less meaningless to you? Yeah, I guess, if you are so blinded by your own guilt--that is. If a parent tells a child of his that has gone bad, "Why are you doing this? Why don't you listen to me? Is that the way you're going to repay me for all the hard work that I have done so that you can have a good life?" Does that sound like the parent have ulterior motive in giving his child everything that he had? Will that degrade all the things that he had given his child?
This had burned me that for a time, I stop myself from reaching out and offer whatever there is that I can offer. I was lost, not because I am cynical but because I can sense the mistrust that seeps through the heart of others. I held myself back from giving because I did not want people to besmirch something that is pure.
However, we can only repress what we are for much too long.
I love people. Love caring for them. And when I gain back some of my putting. I give. And when I'm about to gain my confidence back, I banged my head up at a brick wall. I am told I'm just buying my way in. Oh, it was said nicely. Some glittering sashes and trimmings. But the message boils down to, I can't be that way because no one is as unselfish as that.
Well, I admit, I am not totally out of selfish interest, but hey, I'm trying and I won't stop. After all, if man is truly not capable of being selfless, Christ wouldn't have bothered showing us how to do it.
So this time I have stood my ground. I give, and if others came up with all sorts of ulterior motives for it. Then by all means, let them believe it. Its not my problem.
On second thought, if you really can't get the very people you have opened your heart with to believe the purity of your intentions, what then is the value of being kind? Wouldn't it be best if we will just do as everyone else does? Put kindness and giving for sale to the highest bidder. I mean to people who can deliver the greatest ROI.
But then again, that is were humanity's problem lie.
